Past, Present and Future.

It's been almost 2 years since I last came here. I had almost forgotten about this place until recently when I was looking for somewhere to share my inner randomness to an invisible audience. I guess I should do a quick recap of everything that's been going on since my last post.

First of all, my plan failed. I cracked under the pressure and the box of lies popped open. But there was something I didn't expect, the consequences I had thought were different (certainly less doom-ish) and I was given another second chance. Then 2011 came, and that year was completely different to anything I had experienced in the previous years. Going back to that place where I faced failure so many times was still an option, but not the one I wanted. Instead I chose a different path to the same direction and the journey was much more enjoyable that time. I faced a new perspective, I met new people whose lives were easier to fake interest in, I had more time to do the things that I enjoy. I felt a sense of freedom. And everytime I looked back I reminded myself of my past mistakes and I didn't regret a single one of them, because without those mistakes I would have never seen this other reality. Eventually I reached the goal, the final destination. And I was proud of myself.

This year I've been living a more relaxed life. I've had all the free time I could've ever wished for, while I was trying to find a new goal, a new path to follow. I've thought of myself, I've seen my real self, and I'm slowly letting everyone else see that real side of me. Now I've found that new path that I've been seeking for the last 6 months, and I'll start that new journey next week. And the only way I can survive now is by showing everyone who I really am. No more lies, no more masks.

It's time to grow up.

My Guilt Confession

All my life I've made mistakes, both small and big mistakes that eventually came back to me. All those times the consequences of those mistakes were insignificant and after a few weeks my life went back to normal... It always did... But this time it's different, my mistake this time is too big to ignore and the lies I've used to cover it are coming down. Everything should be over soon and my existance will come to an end that day.

I killed a man. And not just any man, I killed myself.

It all started 5 months ago when someone I cared for left me (she moved). Few days after, I realized that she was the only tie binding me to that place and that everything else wasn't important, everyone else were faceless puppets for me to ignore. But I couldn't leave right away, I had some things that I coulndn't simply leave behind because by that time I still thought of the possible consequences of what I did. I had a past that still haunted me from previous years and I had sworn not to make those mistakes again. But those reasons were fading away, I lost my motivation, that place became meaningless sooner than I expected, I could not stay there any longer so I left...

First there were days, then weeks... At the beginning people started asking me why I wasn't there with them and I lied with fake reasons, but then I didn't care anymore and they didn't care either. They had forgotten about me just like I wanted. Everything was going as planned, or at least that's what I thought... I knew things would have an end but I never imagined that things would go this far. And then I realized that I had built a path for my doom and I didn't had an escape route and it was too late to fix it, there was no way to avoid that fate I had created. Then my life became a lie. I kept lying even though nobody cared except for one person, the only person I could not tell the truth if I wanted to avoid that fate. I tried to show myself strong while inside I was shaking in fear. I died inside and my dead body was being pulled by all those lies I had created. I realized I had no other option if I wanted to stop that madness, I had to tell the truth if I wanted my life back, even if it meant having to accept those consequences I was avoiding when it all started. And I had a chance to do it before it was too late, a chance to redeem myself and come back to life. But I couldn't do it, I didn't have the courage to do it and I kept my lies. I kept digging my own grave even deeper than before.

Now I look behind and see my mistakes, then I look down to see where I am and finally look foward to see what fate may bring for me next. And I see a light in the middle of the darkness, a salvation in a place where I never looked before, in my lies. If I can hold my lies I could hold and even change that fateful end that's coming for me, and all I need is strenght to hold those lies long enough to survive this month, this dark december and then... I'll be free... Even if it is a guilty freedom, even if it means living in a lie for the rest of eternity it would be the destiny that I've always wanted: a life as a nameless, faceless being in a world full of lies.

Maybe I'll come back someday, maybe I won't... All I can do for now is wait...

A blog, huh?

...so I started a blog, who knew I would ever do something like this?

I'll be using this blog to talk, just talk... Talk about what? About me, about whatever I may be thinking... I'll be using this to express myself, to burn that creativity that I feel inside me...

...and to post funny pictures or videos :P